I used to call days like these grey days, where it seems that all the colour has been sucked out of my view. I don’t want to get up, have a shower or move. I am down and I feel fat.
I am not a good sick person – have I said that already? Last week I had a bad cold. I started getting better on the weekend and then I got gastro. That was only a 24 hour thing but my cold regathered in my sinuses and yesterday it felt my head was about to explode. It has only been 10 days but I feel miserable.
I have been sitting at the ‘puter all morning trying to find some inspiration and motivation. I have been looking at weightloss blogs and fitness blogs. But I can’t find any that ring a chord with me.
Maybe today nothing will stand out.
Or maybe that is just bullshit.
I can choose to sit here and mope and whine and feel pathetic. Or I can choose to go and have a shower and get ready to go out this afternoon and catch up with some friends. See what I am trying to do, I am trying to break the grey cloud that is before my eyes and let some sunlight in.
Why do I feel so down? It is more than just being sick. I don’t know. It is about being fat and not liking who I am. It is about my man not being a mind reader and knowing what to do when I am sick (he doesn’t get pathetic, he just is sick and gets over it. How does he do that?) and then getting impatient with me because I am not coping well. I feel so alone in everything. And I am putting out ‘stay away from me vibes’ when all I really want is some TLC.
I want to be fit and healthy. I want to be thin. I want to be attractive. I don’t want my fat in the way. I don’t want to die from being fat. I don’t want to screw up my little boy’s attitude to food.
Everything is all mixed up in my head and I can’t sort it. So I am clinging to my food counting. I can’t exercise because I am not well but I can write down everything I eat and stay within my allocation. I feel like I am losing control in parts of my life so I am going to be a control freak in this little aspect.
So do I chose to stay in today and hide from people? Probably not. I will go and have a shower, then prepare my lunch and my little boy’s lunch and then we will go out. Today’s challenge is to get out of the house.
Edit: I had a shower and got out of the house. Things are still subdued but not grey. I was not going to bother with an interesting meal tonight because I still don’t have my sense of taste back but I will cook something new that can also be frozen for later. I need to remember that all I need to do is make choices for today.