Tag Archives: self image

Running in public

The running workout that I have been doing for the last couple weeks has involved the sequence (run for several minutes, walk for a small bit, do some half squats)*several times. And it is fine to do early morning when there is no-one about and I am running around the back paths of my suburb.

On Saturdays, I have started going with my man and our boy to a lake where we meet with friends. I do my workout around the lake and everyone else walks around and we meet at a play ground at the end for the kids to all get out and play. It works really well. The path mostly follows the lake; there are two bridges next to a very busy road and about 400m on the side of another very busy road. Last Saturday I was uncertain whether I should do the squats. I mean, it would look… Well, you see people running and walking and power walking and stretching but not really doing other sort of moves… And I feel self conscious enough…

But by the time I was at the first lot of squats I was 20 minutes into the workout and didn’t care that much. As long as I was not on the bridge (where there is not alot of room) I was good to squat in public. I was even next to the very busy road towards the end of the workout and squatted. And it was just me, doing my exercise and it didn’t matter. I was very proud of myself at the end.

Today I overslept and I needed to leave 30 minutes earlier to get to work early. So, I did not get my early run in. But because I was there 30 minutes early I was able to take a long lunch break. I packed all my gear and at 12.30 I got out for my run by the lake – it’s a different lake; a busier lake with bigger roads and bridges and alot of lunchtime traffic around it in the form of people walking, running, riding, sitting, strolling. I decided that I would do the two bridge loop which would give me about 7km for my workout. I know this workout needs about that much.

Again I was really uncertain about the squatting! Initially I planned to just walk for an extra 30 seconds before running again but by the time I got to it, I just did it. I stepped off the path so no-one would run/ride into me and got on with my workout. And each time I got to the squatting segment I was able to step off the path. So I did. And I felt silly. But getting fit is more important to me than a fleeting silliness. These people who see me exercise really don’t care. They don’t know me, they won’t see me again. All they see is someone working out and working hard. And I am ok with that.

Well, mostly ok with it. The next workout, the one I had planned for today, had skipping segments (not jump rope skipping but skipping along). I did not want to skip in public, but I am mostly ok with squatting in public!!!

In other news. Today I weighed in and the stats are:
Starting weight: 140.9kg (310 lbs) 3/1/2010
Today’s weight: 96.0 kg (211 lbs)
Loss since last week: 1.6kg (3.5 lbs)
Total lost: 44.9kg (99 lbs)

Last week I exercised on 6 days – I did 4 running workouts and 2 walks. One of the running workouts was a bonus; it was not planned but I got the opportunity and I also thought that I was busy the next day. So, I went. And then the plans for the next day fell through and I went walking that day instead. I deliberately did not run on two of my workouts. Last week I did a total of 34kms.

I ate well and consistently, averaging at 9225kJ/day which was a little more than I was aiming for but only twice did I think I had a little too much. I am doing well not having chocolate and really am not craving sugar, although I am still loving the summer fruit and choose to eat my extra kJ that way.

I have been more consistent in saying my positive affirmation. It starts off “I breathe in, I breathe out. I breathe in peace, I breathe in joy, I breathe in strength, I breathe in love. I breathe out fear, I breathe out discontent, I breathe out stress.” I repeat that a couple of times and then the focus changes a little. But, I breathe deeply and relax and when I say ‘I breathe in joy’, I can feel my cheeks lifting and I am smiling.

It was a big loss last week. Look at the numbers!!! Almost 45kg gone! Almost 100lbs gone!!! And I am very close to the lowest I got to in early December. My clothes are a little looser and I feel really good. It is very exciting. But I need to be careful. I need to eat enough to sustain my exercise – that is one of the things I got wrong in January. This week I am aiming for an average of 9500kJ a day, so just a little more than last week. I want to slow my weight loss to about a kg a week but I want to keep my exercise intensity up. I will aim for 3 of my Up and Running workouts and 3 fast walks. Again, I will choose not to run in some of my workouts!!! I love how far I have come, that more and more the expectation is that I will run!

So far, Feb 2012 has been a good month. My exercise and food choices have been ones that bring me closer to my goal of health and fitness. And my actions and choices bring me joy.

I am a runner

I went running again at lunch today and today was better. My legs did not feel heavy or feel like they were on the verge of cramping. And I ran the whole second leg of the workout without modifying! I was so thrilled when I got to the end! I had to push myself and it was hard and I was so happy that I did! The two guys doing stretches at the same place I stopped smiled with me and made some good comment about my run – I can’t even remember what it was. But I was beaming with pride and I was breathing hard and they shared my success with me.

Today’s times 53 minutes, first interval: 2.1km in 13.52 minutes (6.36 min/km); 5 minute breather, second interval: 2,1 km in 15.01 minutes (7.09 min/km).

One funny thing today was that as I was doing my stretches after warmup I noticed a girl go past. She was thin and beautiful and dressed in good looking sports gear (I was in some more ordinary gear today). My mind mused – she is a runner; one day I will look like that – and then I thought about my running plan for today and was distracted as she walked away. I started off running. At about the 5 min mark I noticed her up ahead. She was still walking. She was a long way off but slowly, I caught up. She wasn’t running; today, she was not a runner. And I thought – I am a runner and I look like a runner because I am running; I should really just be me – and then I overtook her. And I kept running. I reached my end point for that interval and I stood and breathed and cooled down in the breeze and enjoyed the sensation of my body slowing. My body is strong and amazing and it helps me run. And then I started running again.

This is my journey. I should worry a whole lot less about what other people think and concentrate on my own plan.

Having put some thought into training plans for next year I am now thinking about how to record my training. I need to be able to do it easily but I also want to be able to look at the last month and say that I have run/walked so many kms or that I have met my goals with strength training. I think a spreadsheet might work. I can use conditional formatting to help organise the different workouts, I can keep a week or a fortnight in google docs but have the master spreadsheet on my computer so that I can do the stats. The reason for having a smaller version is so that I can access it and update it on my phone rather than keeping a paper version or keeping notes to update the version on the computer at home. I have not been consistent with recording my workouts in the last couple of months and I am short changing myself on the motivation that comes from having it all there. So, I will find a way to keep track. Another little project to work on 🙂

Saggy Baggy

I was out buying some new workout clothes this week. It is starting to get too warm to wear what I had been wearing, I need clothes that will wick!!! So, I was out in the shops and enjoying the choice I had. I also went looking for a new sports bra. I have started noticing on my runs that the sports bras that I have are starting to be less supportive as I lose more weight.

I was in the change room, trying on the sports bra. I looked in the mirror and jumped up and down a couple of times. That was not a good look. The bra worked just fine and that was not what bothered me.

I have lost 45kg in 10 months. And my skin is kind of too big for my body right now and I don’t like it. I quickly pulled a top over my head and then admired myself in the mirror because with clothes on I am looking pretty hot. But without… I am feeling increasingly self concious.

I ramped up the positive self talk… The loose skin is a sign that you have done so well! So what if belly and underarms and thighs are all saggy-baggy – be proud of that! Be proud of loose skin because it speaks of your determination, your commitment and your goals. And, this will change, this will not stay like this. Keep working, keep going and it will get better. It helped a little but not much, so, I made a deal with myself. I could by the cutest bra that I could find in the store. Because I could. Because I could pick any of the styles and it would fit. I have never had so much choice in clothes! I wandered the shop, picking up bras, putting them down and decided I was being silly. I don’t need a new bra to help me feel good about myself. It would be fun, but it is an extravagance at the moment. I can wait till I need to go down another size. I am ok. I am better with the baggy saggy belly than I am being size 24.

weekend write up and measurements

The weekend was good. I made some good choices and I made some not so good choices. Good choices were walking both days, being sensible at yum cha and the party. Bad choices included 1 piece cookies and cream rocky road. I regretted that almost immediately because after I ate it I went to a park with the small one and we went on this spinny ride which made me feel sick. The sweetness and the greasy feeling in my mouth made me feel worse than I would otherwise. And it also wasn’t as good as I was hoping for!! Another bad decision was the lemon lime and bitters I got for a drink at dinner. My dad wanted to get us drinks, I had said no to alcohol, someone else asked for a LLB and I jumped in and got one, too. It was so sweet! I looked up the kJ value later and was shocked at how much that one drink contained. Next time, I won’t get a drink just to be polite. Better yet, I will work out a fallback drink option so I won’t get caught out again. And then, getting home yesterday, I was tired and hungry and I snacked and grazed all afternoon. Most of the damage I did on the weekend I did after I got back. I had planned for the social occasions and the travelling but I had given no thought to what happened once I got home. It is frustrating! Sometimes I think I have come so far and other times I see very little change in my behaviour. Small steps. I need to remember this is not about perfection, it is about improvement. And I can see so much improvement in this weekend!

And so, the scales are up a little today and I am not surprised about that. But rather than focus on that number, I thought I would take my measurements and post those instead 🙂 I don’t take my measurements very often because they don’t seem to change that much if I do. Last time I recorded them was 3 months ago.

Bust – starting measurement: 130cm (52″)
Bust – 3 months ago: 117 cm (46.8″)
Bust – today: 107 cm (42.8″)

Waist – starting measurement: 137.5 cm (55″)
Waist – 3 months ago: 115 cm (46″)
Waist – today: 105 cm (42″)

Hips – starting measurement: 141 cm (56.4″)
Hips – 3 months ago: 124 (49.6″)
Hips – today: 115 cm (46″)

That is so very cool!!! I have noticed in the last month that my waist goes in. I like that my waist goes in 🙂 I have been wearing clothes that show my shape off! It is really exciting. There are bits of me that I don’t like. I don’t like my hanging belly but I can also see it is getting smaller. I don’t like my flapping arms, I don’t like by baggy skin. But these parts of me also show me how far I have come. And I love my waist!

One thing I do for my skin is to exfoliate weekly and then apply moisturizer. I have an exfoliating glove and it is wonderful. I feel so clean and smooth after using it 🙂 I started this routine in the hope that my skin will be stimulated to regenerate and so would shrink down. I think it has helped; at least I feel better for it than doing nothing.

I got alot of positive comments from my family over the weekend. My younger sister said she is so proud of me for taking responsibility for my health and my body. She has done something similar in the last few years, although not starting from as large a point as me. And she looks amazing. She is one of my inspirations so her saying that meant an awful lot. I talked with my older sister about some of the reasons we eat; how it is about comfort and acceptance and self-worth and trying to create new patterns. My cousin and her man saw me from the car as they were driving up and they did not know it was me. Most of my conversations at the party were about food or exercise or getting healthy; what I eat, what exercise I do, how much further I want to go; their plans for getting healthy and the action they are taking. It was encouraging and affirming. That I am an inspiration is a little alarming! I still have so far to go. But it is also such an honour to be told that someone looks at what I have done and they are inspired to make changes in their own lives.

This is the last week of my 40 week plan. There will be some reflection this week about how far I have come and where I want to go. I might look at some new goals for the summer to keep me focussed. This is not the end.

Rush

Official 4km race time: 30.24 minutes 😀

I jogged the first full km and the last full km. It was going to be too hard to work out the 500m lengths and when we started I just wanted to go. It has tricky to not run during the middle stretch. I wanted to go but I also really wanted to finish strongly. Somewhere along the route I calculated that I was expecting a time of about 32 minutes; that would be two 7 min kms jogging and 9min/km for the middle two kms. I was hoping for something about 32 minutes. That last km was amazing. I started off slowly because I was not sure how I would go, having already jogged 1km at the start. With 500m left to go one of the race officials cheered me on from his spot on the route. I got teary, I knew at that point I would finish well but I could not let the emotions go at that point! Then I rounded the corner and could see the finish. I started running. I had been jogging but I decided to finish as strong as I could. And it felt completely different to the jogging. A little like moving from a trot to a canter when horse riding, I guess. It was amazing. I loved it. And my man was there with my little boy. And I ran through the finish line and ran to them and I had done what I set out to do. I had run half of my 4km fun run. And I saw the time on the race clock at about 30 minutes and I was so thrilled!

I don’t have much going on in my life that gives me a buzz of satisfaction; that really intense high. New relationships are ‘buzzy’; or a passion for something can do that. When I work for something hard or challenging and achieve it, sometimes I get that feeling. I have enjoyed my exercise before, it helps give me some time, it helps my head work through stuff. I like feeling strong and like I am doing something for my health. I always assumed that I was getting the endorphin rush. But in the last couple of weeks, it has been more. I ran up the stairs at work on Friday after my walk, just to see if I could. I ran up to the third floor. And it was great! And crazy!!! I mean, who does that??? And today, it was cold and showers were forecast and I got dressed and went out!! Crazy! And I loved it 😀 I loved being part of the event.

I have 5 weeks till the next event. I am doing the same distance on the same route but I am registered for the run and not the walk event. I want to run the whole 4km. I have a time to beat, some new goals. I have Up and Running training to take me there.

I am tired now. But I had a lot of fractured sleep last week so that is not surprising. But more than just tired, my legs are tired, my back is tired and I am happy. I want to do it again.

Move it on out, girl… you will feel better for it

Lower back ache and general discomfort and grumpiness. I hate this time of the month. The best thing I have found to help with the pain is exercise. The thing I want to do least right now is exercise. I will fit it in today, even if it is a walk to the shops with my boy. The sun is out, it is a beautiful day. I will go to the shops soon. And tomorrow morning I have my Up and Running workout planned. I will do that one.

On Monday at work I was at a morning tea for a colleague who is going on leave. There was a little speech by her boss. I was sitting on a 2 seater couch with 2 other people. There were three of us and we were sitting comfortably!!! That absolutely thrilled me 🙂 I got good comments on what I was wearing as well. And it might be my imagination but I am starting to get appreciative looks. Actually I don’t care if it is my imagination 🙂 I am enjoying the idea of it.

My special dress arrived last night, the one I bought at the craft fair, that helps me celebrate my 40 week commitment and my success so far. (See Celebrating Success) I tried it on and it is beautiful. I love that it is the style that I can keep wearing as I lose weight – it is a wrap it up, tie it up dress. So, do I wear it to a picnic this weekend or do I wait till I complete my 40 weeks?

Official Weigh In Monday – Less than 100

Yeah Baby!
I got up this morning and jumped on the scales. I am so happy to be reporting on my stats today!

Starting weight: 140.9 kg (310 lbs) 3 Jan 2011
Today’s weight: 99.2 kg (218 lbs)
Loss since last Tuesday: 1.2 kg (3 lbs)
Total lost: 41.7 kg (91.7 lbs)

I am so thrilled :)To be less than 100kg was my goal for Christmas. And I have done it! My mind struggles to accept this because it seemed so far away when I started and I still have ‘fat girl’ as part of my identity. But ‘healthy for life’ is getting stronger; committing to the Up and Running program is really helping build this new aspect of me. (See Kaleidoscope View for more about what this means)

I had an excellent week last week. I exercised on 6 days, averaging at 47 minutes. Not including Saturday, my kJ intake averaged at 7900/day. And at the party, I did well.

I also asked for help last week and that was a big step for me. My man was amazing and his love and support was so evident in the way he helped me with the post party clean up. I have no idea what happened to all the left overs. For that I am extremely grateful.

Today I will celebrate. I will celebrate my weight loss and improved health and fitness. I will celebrate my waist and my curves. I will celebrate that I am strong and beautiful.