Tag Archives: commitment

Hello World

It is hard to come back and write a post which says I have been off the rails for 6 months. But I like this space. This space helped me last year to be accountable. I need that back.

Last weekend I had the most magical weekend away with some of the girls from my Up and Running group. Paula had come out from the UK to Australia and was meeting some of the girls in Sydney. I knew about it but had not been in touch since August. Three weeks ago I went back to the running forums with my tail between my legs. And they wanted me to come, they were overjoyed, there was no talk about the fact I had not been about and so shouldn’t be a part of the meet up. They welcomed me with such joy and acceptance that I was stunned.

The weekend was magical. We went running on Saturday at the Sydney Parkrun and it was hard (there is a bloody big hill in the middle of the course!) but I did it. And I did it with people cheering me on. We talked and relaxed and drank wine. And I talked about my struggles this year and was met with understanding, support and encouragement.

I had been thinking about my relapse for a while and I knew I was getting close to the point where things would turn around. Driving home, I let the love and acceptance these girls gave me wrap me like a blanket. And I decided I was worth the effort. I am valuable, I am special and my actions should reflect that. I decided it was time to change my ways.

And so on the drive back I made a commitment to myself. I committed to my today. I committed to my future. And I chose to change my path to one of nurturing my body with good food choices and exercise and nurturing my mind with regular times of reflection and meditation. And I accepted the logistics of good food choices with planning, prep and tracking, of exercise with scheduling and getting things ready to go and of reflection by going to bed earlier so I can get up earlier to have some time for myself. Commitment – heart. Choice – head. Accept – hand. Three different aspects, all relying on each other, all supporting each other to make a strong and powerful change.

A week has passsed. And I remember so vividly the thrill of last weekend and the drive home. I have had a good week and have reinforced this new state of being every day, several times a day. I am doing alot of journaling. Not just tracking food, but writing about my thoughts, how I feel and doing some Q&A to help me focus my mind. The Q&As look at things like why I want to be healthy when I am older, what I want to do when I am older, what do I mean when I say I want to be healthy, how do I feel when I am eating and exercising and how that compares to how I feel when I am not eating well or exercising. I want to build the evidence base so that when I don’t have the warm fuzzy glow of commitment that I have now, the evidence will still compel me to choose the healthy path. Some of the Q&A might end up here. That would be useful.

I have put some weight back on, but not all. Last year I went down 4 clothes sizes. I have gone up almost 2. My fitness is in a much better place as I am still running and walking. It is disappointing to have relapsed. It is frustrating. But I need to get over that and move on. I can’t let my guilt hold me back.

I commit, I choose, I accept. I commit to my today and to my future self. I choose to nurture my body and mind with healthy food choices, exercise and times of reflection. I accept the logistics required to make this happen.

And I am so much happier.

January Review – Febuary Commitment

There were some great things in January and some less than ideal things. And I am frustrated that I am recording a weight gain for the month rather than a weight loss. But to not report the gain would be a bad sign… it would mean that I was continuing in denial rather than facing up to my poor decisions.

In January I had committed to eating well, doing my Up and Running workouts 3 times a week and reading one book about self acceptance and thinking about it.

I did my Up and Running Workouts consistently. I am now doing a series called Bridge to 10K which builds on the 5K course by providing workouts that are challenging but aimed at the 5K distance, improving stamina and time. The longest workout in terms of distance I did was 7.3km which took 57 minutes and I ran about 40 minutes of that time. They are hard and more challenging than I would devise on my own but I trust Julia Jones, the running coach who devised them and so I would argue with myself to push through to the end of the workout. And that sense of satisfaction when I am done is amazing.

I read Karen Anderson’s book called ‘After (the before and after)’ about her journey towards self acceptance on her weight loss journey. It was listening to Karen talk to Shauna Reid and Carla Birnberg on the Two Fit Chicks and a Microphone podcast last year that inspired me to look at my own issues around self acceptance. The book was not quite what I was looking for but was a good place for me to start. I started building a personal affirmation which reflects where I am now that I can use in a meditative way. I thought about different aspects of myself, especially those that are the negative voices in my head and how I can talk to those aspects of me and not let them hold me back. But these things did not become habit and I realise while writing that I have not thought of them in the last 2 weeks or so… the two weeks which coincide with my poor eating choices.

So why did my eating go off the rails? It did, obviously as I had started losing weight and now I have ended up with a net gain for the month. There are many reasons
– pushed myself too hard with exercise and did not eat enough which meant that I got really hungry and overate to compensate
– then I dropped the exercise a little (back to my 3 workouts a week) but still did not manage to balance energy in with the exercise
– stress about money and using food to avoid dealing with the money issues
– going to decaf coffee. I decided I wanted to reduce my caffeine intake. I was having two large (mug sized) espresso coffees a day plus 2 mugs of black tea. Over two weeks I transitioned to decaf coffee and kept the black tea. But I realised on the weekend that I am not reaching for sweet things to give myself a mental boost – especially at work. I need to find another way to manage less caffeine.
– feeling very virtuous after the first two weeks because I did so well, especially at a lunch with friends where I chose to leave 2 slices of pizza on my plate. The old feelings of entitlement came back with a vengence that night and I had chocolate.
– work has been really busy. It is not stressful like my last job but I am so busy and focussed on the tasks at hand that reaching for an extra snack helps get me through.
– I stopped tracking food, I stopped weighing myself on the scales every couple days, I stopped saying my affirmations which remind me of the big picture.

I need to think about all these things, the lessons I can learn, the ways I can manage stress and work pressures better. I hope that in learning I can start making better choices.

So today I got on the scales and that third number is back. Weight this morning was 100.3kg.

Fact. Information. Move on.
(I will try not to beat myself up for too long)

So, that was January. I made some really good progress in terms of exercise and building tools to help me on the journey. I stuck to my eating plan for the first two weeks but it was not enough for the intensity of exercise. And the last two weeks contained alot of poor food choices. I am not back where I started because my consistency with running has improved and I have some tools that I can pick up again.

February…

One of the things I ate in January was chocolate, too much chocolate. When I eat chocolate I want more chocolate. Maybe not immediately but the next day and the next day. It triggers bad eating habits for me and they cycle in a negative way. I need it to stop. February will be the month of no chocolate.

I will take steps toward selling my unit which will lead to sorting out my money a little better.

I will continue with 3 Up and Running Workouts a week but will not run on other days. I need to find a balance with exercise and food and running 5 days in a row upsets that balance.

I will track food and aim for 9000kJ a day. I will report my weight every week on Monday; I like that extra bit of accountability. I will aim for a loss of 3kg in the month.

I will work on my affirmation again and I will say it every morning when I get up. I will reread After and think some more.

I will keep going. There is no end to the journey, there are many small steps. There is today, there is far off. There is continuing.

January commitment

My January commitment post is a little late with all the new year/old year musings that made its way here. But I do intend to write a commitment post at the start of each month and a wrap up post at the end of each month for accountability and motivation purposes.

In January I have decided to commit to three Up and Running workouts a week out of the 5 I will do each week. I had thought I might do two a week and then some other running but I was thinking about the 5K course I completed and how I do want to improve my running. Making a commitment to the workouts will get me there. To keep me accountable I have my workouts marked on the whiteboard on the fridge and I cross them off once they are done. That way, at any point in the month I can see how I am travelling; inspiring and motivating all at once.

Foodwise, I am committing to a kJ budget of 9000kJ a day. The way I manage this is that I look at a weeks average rather than each day. This is more than I budgeted in December so it will be interesting to see how I make up that extra 1000. Having chocolate or alcohol every day is not a good way to get those kJ in. But I discovered this week that I am just a little hungrier on my UAR workout days and 9000 or a little over is the right amount. On non UAR days, between 8000 and 8500 is enough. It looks like this will average out quite nicely.

And for my head, this month I will read at least one book on the theme of self acceptance. I don’t know which one yet. Honestly, this is the one I am least likely to do so I better go and look for a book tonight. I have a kindle so it will be easy to pick something up without having to leave the house.

Given my excesses of December, I expect a good weightloss in January – maybe 5kg. But I am not aiming for anything specific. I know that if I do what I have said here, it will happen and if I don’t do it… well I know what will happen then, too. The difference for me here is that the weightloss is second to exercise, managing food and doing the thoughtwork.