Things I learnt this week

– not to make my little boy something for dinner that I really want to eat. It just ends up with me testing it before he eats and then finishing it off. It was the first time I really broke my rule of not eating his food.

– when I make something yummy, or somthing that I have been looking forward to (which is hopefully yummy), I should plan to try it out straight away! I made some almond butter yesterday. In Australia, we don’t get a huge range of nut butters. It is really kind of special and expensive. I had been hearing about all the different kinds and flavours of nut butter that are available in the US. And then I found out how easy it was. So, I toasted the almonds, blended them up and then it went all lumpy and took a while but finally it came together. So, I had a spoon full. And then I put in some cinnamon. And I had a spoon full. Then I put it in a jar and I had the bit the didn’t quite make the jar. It was really nice. And then I dumped the blender bowl in the sink, with the blades and the spatula and filled it all with water. And afterwards I was frustrated that I had so many tastes. Wake up, sister! What did you expect? I should have made the nut butter just before afternoon tea and had a piece of bread ready. Next time, plan it in. And, previously I would have cleaned off the bowl and spatula before filling it with water. I have learnt some restraint!

I know it is ok to eat things that are not on the plan. I know that losing weight and getting healthy is the sum of many decisions – not decisions in isolation. I know that foods are not good or bad and I can choose to have somthing for nostaligic reasons, that I can try new things. I need to relax about this stuff but still have the majority of my choices end up on the healthy side.

There were several occasions this past week where I was thoughtless in my eating. Things were in my mouth and gone without me making a conscious choice. This is old behaviour, and it is the first time I have done this in the 11 weeks of my new lifestyle.

I don’t know why. Maybe because I am not quite well yet and still on antibiotics. Maybe it is because I feel I am doing well and that I can ease up. Maybe it is just old neural patterns asserting themselves.

In my future, I don’t want to obsess about every thing I put in my mouth. But I don’t trust myself to start yet. I have so far to go. I want to have these new patterns really ingrained before I start to let go of the monitoring. I want to have a healthy lifestyle in place and then jump off. I need the crutches right now. And I guess I am scared that I can’t do it, that the weight will come back and that I will fail at this challenge.

I made a commitment to live a healthy lifestyle for 40 weeks – that is food and exercise. Today I have completed 11 weeks of that timeframe. I will keep going. Part of the reason for the 40 weeks is that it is long enough to really build good habits but it is not open ended. It allows for a concentrated effort and then a reassessment. I am determined to see this through. And when I get there, that is not the stopping point. That is a celebration point and a reassessment for my future.

My fears will not hold me back from choosing a longer life with my family.

One day, one meal, one space between meals at a time.

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