It is hard to come back and write a post which says I have been off the rails for 6 months. But I like this space. This space helped me last year to be accountable. I need that back.
Last weekend I had the most magical weekend away with some of the girls from my Up and Running group. Paula had come out from the UK to Australia and was meeting some of the girls in Sydney. I knew about it but had not been in touch since August. Three weeks ago I went back to the running forums with my tail between my legs. And they wanted me to come, they were overjoyed, there was no talk about the fact I had not been about and so shouldn’t be a part of the meet up. They welcomed me with such joy and acceptance that I was stunned.
The weekend was magical. We went running on Saturday at the Sydney Parkrun and it was hard (there is a bloody big hill in the middle of the course!) but I did it. And I did it with people cheering me on. We talked and relaxed and drank wine. And I talked about my struggles this year and was met with understanding, support and encouragement.
I had been thinking about my relapse for a while and I knew I was getting close to the point where things would turn around. Driving home, I let the love and acceptance these girls gave me wrap me like a blanket. And I decided I was worth the effort. I am valuable, I am special and my actions should reflect that. I decided it was time to change my ways.
And so on the drive back I made a commitment to myself. I committed to my today. I committed to my future. And I chose to change my path to one of nurturing my body with good food choices and exercise and nurturing my mind with regular times of reflection and meditation. And I accepted the logistics of good food choices with planning, prep and tracking, of exercise with scheduling and getting things ready to go and of reflection by going to bed earlier so I can get up earlier to have some time for myself. Commitment – heart. Choice – head. Accept – hand. Three different aspects, all relying on each other, all supporting each other to make a strong and powerful change.
A week has passsed. And I remember so vividly the thrill of last weekend and the drive home. I have had a good week and have reinforced this new state of being every day, several times a day. I am doing alot of journaling. Not just tracking food, but writing about my thoughts, how I feel and doing some Q&A to help me focus my mind. The Q&As look at things like why I want to be healthy when I am older, what I want to do when I am older, what do I mean when I say I want to be healthy, how do I feel when I am eating and exercising and how that compares to how I feel when I am not eating well or exercising. I want to build the evidence base so that when I don’t have the warm fuzzy glow of commitment that I have now, the evidence will still compel me to choose the healthy path. Some of the Q&A might end up here. That would be useful.
I have put some weight back on, but not all. Last year I went down 4 clothes sizes. I have gone up almost 2. My fitness is in a much better place as I am still running and walking. It is disappointing to have relapsed. It is frustrating. But I need to get over that and move on. I can’t let my guilt hold me back.
I commit, I choose, I accept. I commit to my today and to my future self. I choose to nurture my body and mind with healthy food choices, exercise and times of reflection. I accept the logistics required to make this happen.
And I am so much happier.