Puzzle Pieces

I weighed in this morning at 111.1kg – which looked pretty cool on the scales And coming back from my walk at lunch today, a colleague commented that I looked really good, that I had alot of energy. And this is from someone I have always thought has flair. How nice is that!

Start weight (3rd Jan 2011): 140.9 kg (310 lbs)
Today’s weight: 111.1 kg (244.4 lbs)
This week’s loss: 1.6 kg (3.5 lbs)
Total loss: 29.8 kg (65.6 lbs)

I am really pleased with the loss this week. May was a stop-start kind of month with the numbers on the scale. The loss this week is more than I expected given my kJ intake and my exercise but when I look over the last 4 weeks, I am pretty close to where I had hoped to be.

I am excited today that I changed BMI categories. I can drop the morbid, now, I am only obese. I remember back in February when I freaked out about my BMI and how far away I was from a healthy BMI. I was so scared, so overwhelmed. I gave that number so much power and it crushed me. (link to post)

I am more than my BMI. So much more. And I am also more than a number on the scale. I am a partner, mother, friend, lover, artist, musician, daughter. While I am so pleased to lose the word ‘morbidly’ from my BMI category, it is (and was) just information. It is only a small piece of information which can be useful and I have so much more information that is useful on a day-to-day.

Things like:
- walking up the stairs at work today, getting to the third floor and not being out of breath. I was pleasantly surprised
- doing my 50 minute lunchtime walk in 45 minutes today
- wanting to do my 50 minute lunchtime walk when it was 9′C (48′F) outside
- looking in the mirror and seeing I take up less space
- knowing how I was tracking with my food this afternoon because I had marked it down in my tracker, knowing that the little treat I had would fit into my kJ target before I ate it
- fitting into, and feeling good in, my clothes

It is so easy to lose sight of the goal because a piece of information is not what was expected, especially when you are told how important that information is. One piece of information is only one part of the jigsaw. I am much better off looking at the picture as a whole than fixating on any one piece. Of course, some pieces are harder than others to manage and I am not trying to say this is easy. But as more pieces are fitting together, as I think more about where I have come from and where I want to go, it is getting easier to see that finished picture.

6 weeks completed

Today is weigh in day

Last week I did get a bad cold and was only able to exercise on Monday and then again yesterday. But I was really careful with my food and I am happy that I did pay close attention to it.

Start weight (3/1/11): 140.9kg (310 lbs)
Today’s weight: 128.9kg (283.6 lbs)
This week: -1.8kg (4 lbs)
Total Lost: 12kg (26.4 lbs)
That is an average loss of 2kg a week.

A couple things happened this week that were interesting, challenging and very thought provoking

I am now starting to think the weight loss needs to slow down. I am enjoying seeing the numbers go down and my clothes are starting to feel looser. But 2kg a week is alot and it is not sustainable. I have worked out a way to manage this. With the points system for food allocation, as you lose weight you also decrease the food allocation. So, for every 10kg I lose, I am supposed to drop a point’s worth of allocation. I was going to drop that point at about 125kg but have decided not to. To sensibly slow my weight loss I need to eat a little more. And this seems an easy way to manage it.

And while I was sick I started thinking about incorporating some resistance training. I have a couple of handweights that I could use. But I need a plan, I need a goal. So I started looking for ideas. I think I will give it a little longer while I build on the start I have made. I will get some equipment and work out a routine so that when I am ready to go, I will have all the tools in place.

And then.

My man wanted to have some friends over for lunch on Sunday and started suggesting things like fried haloumi burgers. I just started putting up road blocks. With my lack of exercise and feeling sick I just could not let go. He didn’t understand and I did not communicate very well because I was getting stressed about food I had not planned for. He gave in and told them lunch was not on offer that day and then, after about 30 minutes, I was able to explain the fear and the mental confusion that his simple suggestion had made. And it was ok, he might not understand exactly how I feel but he does support me and could follow my twisted logic.

And then, just because I was curious, I decided to work out what the healthy weight range is for my height. And with that I just melted into a puddle. It is so very far away. The very top of my healthy weight range for my height is 69.5 kg (153 lbs). Over half. Over half of my start weight. I thought if I got to 80 that would be ok, and 75 would be amazing. And both 80 and 75kgs would be so much better than where I am. But to be in the ‘healthy’ weight range… I would need to lose 71.4kg in total. I melted. I started freaking out. I went into uber-control mode and calculated all my food for the next day and worked out when I could exercise even though I had not fully recovered from the cold. My positive self talk kicked in but I just ended up cycling from despair to control freak.

I brushed my teeth and went to bed. My man came in and said he loved me and I just cried. How? How could someone find me attractive, desirable when I am this size. And I explained to him what I had been thinking. It was hard and I almost turned the light off so I could tell him in the dark and he would not be able to see my face but I left the light on and I gathered my thoughts and he held me as I cried. He did not try and solve things or really make suggestions. He just held me and tried to understand. I did not sleep well that night.

I am somewhat relieved that hormones played a part in my little melt down. I am also proud that I did not turn to chocolate to ease my tight chest and sooth my aching body. And this morning, my positive self talk was back and I was able to talk through what happened. See, my plan for this year is a 40 week plan. I have committed to 40 weeks and am aiming for a 35kg loss in that time. And then for the 10 weeks before Christmas I would like to lose another 6kg to make it to 100kg. My plan never included reaching my healthy weight range this year, so I don’t really need to worry about it. I just keep saying ’40 weeks and 40 by Christmas’. Down the track I will come back to the BMI guides but that is not part of this years plan. I need to let go of the number and focus on today’s choices. And the reason I like my plan is because it is challenging but achievable. I know what I look like at about 100kg and I have a photo of my on the fridge at about that size to remind me. I have lost 30kg in 6 months on a past attempt, so I know I can I have a plan that is achievable and realistic, I am eating food I enjoy, have the tools to track, the support to help and next year is another challenge. I don’t forget but I can’t let it overwhelm me.

A crazy up and down week. But I finished it with a commitment to moving forward, staying focussed and shifting weight.